In the Closet, Out of the Gossip
Ando (a pseudonym) was sitting in the corner of the café while his cup of coffee left untouched on his table. He already waited for me since a half hour ago. After apologizing, I shook his hand and formally introduce my name. I knew him two days ago from Twitter, he sent a message as a stranger asking to meet to share his stories.
“The problem is, gays always spilling off the tea,” discovering his sexuality was a big journey but wasn’t a problem for him. In his last year of undergraduate, he fully acknowledged his sexual interest in men. But until the moment we met, I’m the fourth person to know his sexuality.
Coming out of the closet is a big momentum, but what really matters is its impact on someone life. Ando shared his feeling of being tired of loneliness. He always feels alone, without any support from those who knew him as a ‘whole person’.
His first come out moment was telling his sexuality to his best friend, a straight cis-male. His response wasn’t bad, nothing changes about their friendship after Ando reveals his sexual preference. But, the straight friend couldn’t understand Ando through gay perspectives. The notions of ‘getting back to normal’ or ‘this might be just a phase’ lead Ando decisions to not talking about his struggle on his sexuality anymore to this straight friend.
An interesting fact is, his circle is teamed up with a few gay friends, but Ando describes them as chatty friends who often talk about other gays.
“You know that gossip is a part of gay culture right? When we hanging out, they always talk about other gays. If I let them know that I’m gay, it’s the same with letting all gays in the city know about me.”
Since he messaged me on Twitter, he already said that he desperately needs a support system, especially regarding his sexuality. He didn’t mean to lock himself in the closet, but the only gay peer group that surrounds him doesn’t seem good for his coming out plan.
Gay, Groups and Gossip
In the repressive hetero-normative culture where gays are condemned and unacceptable, being in a supportive group is such a privilege for gays in Indonesia. But lately, gay peer groups becoming a phenomenon where they assert themselves based on classes. This issue isn’t exclusively happening only in homosexual communities, but this toxic culture doubled the challenge for gays. Possibly, you couldn’t be accepted in the hetero-normative environment, and the gay community as well.
Acceptance in all context is merely self-actualization that only matters on personal feeling. But the demand of being in a circle that supports you for being who you are is an important social-needs for minorities. Especially for gays in puberty age or even quarter-life crisis, where self-acceptance issue overcome their mental problems. They already acknowledged that they are different, but they need the support system for not feeling lonely. This issue might be not happened or have different cases for different age and context of gays — as for how I found out that for those with the lack understanding of the sexuality concepts often look up for peer group only for sexual activities.
The limited amount of time to be spent with people like us sorts the conversations topics only about the things that matter –subjectively. The recent updates on the gays of the town are probably on the top of the list.
For discreet people who’d prefer their identity to be revealed only to selected people, this culture becoming a burden for them to get into a supportive circle. As in the reality, they probably will be stranded in the Twitter timeline with altered accounts or censored-face Grindr account. As what Ando do to cope with this situation where he finally reached me through his alter account on Twitter.
Personal safety is the main reason for the importance of the secureness of their identity. Several times, the LGBT network ‘revealed’ and criminalized in Indonesia. The media always portray the LGBT community as an underground group with dozens of negative traits. While in fact, they probably could be found easily around nearby mall or cafes, hanging out like the usual majority of the human being.
No, they will not drink blood as their rituals or doing group sex all the time (or maybe there are those who do that out there, but I’m pretty sure there also possibilities that straight people do the same).
Sexuality and Security
Being revealed and becoming the topic of gossips aren’t the only thing that happened when your sexuality publicly announced. Socially condemned, the difficulties on the career or even being criminalized frighten gay and LGBT community in general. Arus Pelangi in 2016 reported that 89.3% of LGBTIQ in Indonesia have experienced violence.
As what you might find on Twitter’s gay alter account, discrete gay often looks up for social interaction with other gays. The possibility to cover up their identity behind censored profile picture let them feel secure. As in real-life, community-based organizations accommodate the same demands.
I found out last year, a regional-based WhatsApp group for gay community exist. The group that was purposed for young age also linked to local NGO that focused on HIV prevention. One of the administrator explained to me that the community also networked with other similar groups. We went to an event that celebrates the anniversary of other community. With ‘rainbow’ word on the name, the community is one of the senior in the city. Their programs including scheduled hangouts and charity, exactly the same with other communities regardless their similarity on sexual orientation.
Secureness of the identity is indeed a big issue for them. To join, you need to get approved by the admin and you could ask to not be featured in any event photos.
I also found another act of securing the privacy in the discussion event with LGBT-related topic. The venue was privately informed to the shortlisted participants instead of publicly stated on the event publication. Yes, joining the LGBT themed academic discussion doesn’t mean that you are not straight, but your security must be a concern, with the high rise of public raids by the extremist in the city lately.
Klub Sama Dengan (@klubsamadengan in Instagram) gained an enormous amount of followers and attention from millennials on Instagram. Their account considered a safe space for youth to learn and discover more about gender and sexuality. In one of their Instagram post, they allow the audience to introduce themselves in the comment section. I found a lot of alter-account, indicates that the fear of being revealed — but still want to socially connected — in the LGBT community. I posted mine — advertising myself, to be honest, and got positive responses from youth queer among the country.
2.5k of @klubsamadengan followers, hundreds of Twitter alter account and unlimited amount of discreet profiles in Grindr are more than enough to represent the needs of safe space. However, accommodating the basic needs for socializing should be seen as a necessity, with the highlighted concern of safety and security.
